I was sitting in my office at work the other day when I get the following e-mail from an associate in another office.  Pay particular attention to the words in parentheses:

“We are looking for local counsel in Vietnam (with English speaking capabilities ) to handle certain corporate matters.  Please advise of any recommendations.”

My question is the following: What are “English speaking capabilities”?

Since my firm is an international firm with offices all over the world, our offices often communicate with each other whenever these types of requests arise.  If you need an individual in South America with certain skills, etc., it helps to contact the other offices and see if anyone knows someone who fits your criteria.  Usually, someone will make a recommendation or pass along the name of a person who fits the bill.

From time to time, however, we receive requests and petitions for recommendations that are quite funny.  This e-mail is one of them.  (And I have a bunch more that I am saving for a future post on this subject.)

But I digress.  

What exactly are “English speaking capabilities”?  I would like to help the sender of this e-mail, but I don’t know what this phrase means.  Perhaps, if I had telephone-dialing capabilities, I could call someone and ask them what “English-speaking capabilities” are. 

Oh, but the horror: I don’t even think I have talking capabilities.  So forget telephone-dialing capabilities.  I might need to summon someone with talking capabilities to help me find an individual with telephone-dialing capabilities to help me call a person who can reveal what “English speaking capabilities” are.

But wait!!  How do I summon someone with talking capabilities without having talking capabilities myself?  Aha!  I can walk out of my office, find someone, and poke them on the shoulder.  But……

…..I do not have walking capabilities.  And without the necessary walking capabilities, I’m truly at a loss.  What’s a poor employee to do? 

Then I looked at my computer screen, and the answer was right there in my Microsoft Outlook.  I can write an e-mail to the entire office and make the following request:

“Pardon the interruption.  I am looking for local counsel in Miami (with walking and talking capabilities) to handle certain matters related to the acts of traveling to my office and explaining and clarifying the concept of ‘English speaking capabilities.’  Alternatively, I am looking for local counsel in Miami (with telephone-dialing capabilities and talking capabilities) to handle certain matters related to placing a telephone call and explaining and clarifying the concept of ‘English speaking capabilities.’  (No walking capabilities are necessary for the latter request.)  Please advise of any recommendations.”  

You can’t make this stuff up, folks. 

And if you want a real brain-buster, figure out if it’s possible to have both English-speaking and writing capabilities.

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