Last Thursday, I sat in on a conference call with our co-counsel in this case that has gained momentum over the past couple of months.  Aside from our co-counsel, Beaker (the nickname for my boss) was present, and so was a more senior associate named Carlos. 

Normally, I hate sitting in a partner’s (Beaker) office because, as my friend who works in a Boston firm likes to say, it’s like being a sitting duck facing missile fire.  The “missiles” are assignments and research tasks, and whenever I find myself in Beaker’s office, I have to dodge them constantly. 

This particular encounter produced quite the missile.

The Task 

Beaker: “Let’s prepare an outline of our arguments.  Carlos, can you have that ready for Monday?”

Carlos: “I can’t for Monday.  I’m on that case with Philip, and I have to have a draft of our motion ready by Monday.”

Beaker: “OK, then let’s have Robert take the first crack at the outline.”

Robert: “OK.  So you want it on Monday?” 

Beaker: “Yes.”

Arbitrary Deadlines

The significance of asking to have this outline ready for today is that it didn’t need to be ready today.  The final version of this document needs to be filed with the court in just under four weeks.  Obviously, a preliminary outline helps us see the big picture and determine what the strengths and weaknesses of our positions are. 

Nevertheless, establishing today as the deadline for this outline . . . two business days later . . . the day after a weekend . . . and the day after Mothers Day, no less . . . was unnecessary. 

I put in late Thursday night, 12-hour day on Friday, and I also put in a full day of work yesterday (Sunday) trying to finish this outline (which now covers 30 pages).  Not to mention, I stressed about this insane assignment all day Saturday.  In other words, my weekend was wrecked because of Beaker and this arbitrary, artificial deadline. 

Why Today?

It’s not a hard question to answer.  When I told my mother yesterday that I was working on this outline, she responded, “What’s wrong with these people.  They don’t have mothers?”

They have mothers, alright.  It’s just that the fact that they do doesn’t matter.  Mothers, fathers, children, family, free time, holidays, etc.  It’s all worthless because it doesn’t help people like Beaker (a) grind out as many dollars as he can out of employees like me; and (b) find the “cream of the crop” among that group of employees.

Grinding Out Dollars  

Beaker doesn’t care what I have going on.  He just wants me to bill as many hours as possible so that he can make as much money as possible.  I’m a cog in the machine.  He wanted this outline done today because he wanted me to spend part or all of the weekend (his preference) billing hours working on it.  Why be limited by the Monday - Friday work week?  You can make people bill hours on Saturday and Sunday and put more money in your pocket!!

Cream of the Crop

I remember this term that my football coach used to use to describe the athletes left over during two-a-day practices after running mile after mile in 100-degree heat.  The athletes left over are the ones who are worthy of being on the team.

Beaker uses assignments like this outline and artificial “I want to screw you” deadlines to weed through the employees he has and find his own cream of the crop.  The employee who sacrifices weekend after weekend (and his life) is more valuable to him because that lifeless employee will put more money in his pocket.

The Flawed Process

Well, here I am.  Monday morning, and I’m just about finished with the outline.  Rather than walk over to his office in a little bit and shove the printed outline down his throat, I’m going to hand it to him gently, smile, and walk away. 

What Beaker doesn’t realize is that this process might yield him one “cream of the crop”-caliber employee every once in a while, but it drives everyone else away and helps disintegrate what was once a great profession. 

He also doesn’t understand that this kind of dynamic is fast becoming extinct.  The future doesn’t consist of brick-and-mortar companies with several bosses and hundreds of employees underneath them.  Rather, it consists of individual entrepreneurs owning automated online businesses that drive the economy and bankrupt the eight-hour day crowd. 

Here’s to your numbered days, Beaker.   

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